At the end of the summer youth ministry party, the interns, Beej and Luke, gave me an award. They thought that it would be a good idea to highlight the different staff that had worked with the teens by giving each of them a certificate describing their experience with them throughout the summer. My award was “Mr. Fix It.” Although it was meant to be cute and funny, it highlighted for me a deep truth that has prevented me from being a more grateful person. The interns through their short experience with me realized a deep truth about me and exposed it to me in a way that I almost missed. As I have pondered this award, I have uncovered that I tend to dwell and live in a place where I can always discover things that can be done a little better. I live in a culture that praises this attribute and encourages me to continue my never ending, never satisfying pursuit to “fix it.” Now I do love to fix things, and had life gone the way I wanted it to, I might not ever had pondered the thoughts of this blog. But life has thrown me some things that I can’t fix. Life has dealt me cards that no matter how you spin them aren’t the cards I would want. In other words, the hand I have been dealt isn’t a royal flush, and I tend to get very problem-card focused. I tend to always see, focus, and dwell on problems. I have been a problem-focused individual instead of a love or joy-focused individual who experiences problems.

Lately I have been focused on one problem in particular. I don’t believe that God caused me to have this problem, but I do believe that he is using it to send me a message.

As some of you may know, my wife and I have struggled with secondary infertility. Basically, we have been unable to have another child. This has been one of the toughest things that my wife and I have been through. We are grieving the loss of a dream that we both had hoped would be fulfilled. We join the multitude of others on the roller coaster of theological struggle, biological testing, and grieving. Although there is still hope in our dream and faith in our Lord, I have found it difficult at times to be grateful. But I am learning to praise God and be grateful for the things that I was beginning to take for granted. I am remembering to praise God that I have all of you to pray for us. I am refocusing my eye to praise God that I have a wonderful wife to share in this burden with and that I am not alone in my affliction. I am remembering the many words of the people who have come before me praising God and being grateful when they have faced the reality of lost dreams. I am looking at pictures of my son and praising God we have a beautiful, awesome son to enjoy this time with. Not being able to ‘fix it” and be in control of this issue and having to lean on God in a new way may have been one of the best things that has happened to me spiritually. I have realized that I have come to rely too much on my own ability to be able to fix things myself.

As you look out in the world today and see the brokenness, the hurt, the pain, the injustice, I pray that you may fill your minds and meditate on the beauty of truth, on the noble, and reputable. I pray that you may praise the authentic compelling grace of God. That you may reflect on the best in your life and momentarily relinquish the worst, the ugly the things that need “fixing.” I pray that you may smile.